1st September 2020
So many times, when we’ve both heard
The cat flap clack, and the ticky putter
Of clawed paws crossing lino tiles,
I’ve seen you glance at the clock
While your underbreath tut
Has hyphenated our conversation:
Tuition, you surely need, in Cat Punctuality.
Your human concept of where and when,
Which timetables trains and schedules radio programmes,
Is not transferable to any sort of puss:
The idea of fixing a time
At which something should happen,
So that numerous people can plan for the same thing,
Makes no moggy sense!
There’s many an occasion when people miss a train
Because it left dead on time;
Meanwhile, your small (or not so small) miaowing friend
Can never be late, at whatever hour they turn up,
Aapparently randomly,
To rub around/trample your legs
With many pointed glances at the fridge:
For it is only with itself
That a cat needs to synchronise.
A purrfect arrangement, hmm…?
Whatever time a cat does something
Is the optimum moment for doing it,
And this is all down to the one cardinality:
Cats Are Never Wrong.
However…
If you think that this makes
Feline time-planning simple –
Oh, COME ALONG!
Cats are always calculating, forever optimising.
Where they go, for example, for a short snooze
Is determined by
The strength of the sun, the force and direction of the wind,
Dampness of the ground, and the amount of weight
Certain baby bunnies have been lately putting on.
Then, what is the current Defence Scenario?
In other words, what’s the Borders and Encroachments
Situation with neighbouring Gingers, Frou-Frous, etc.?
Meanwhile, will you be doing anything amusing?
If you’re going to read sitting in a deck chair,
You must be jumped on and annoyed.
Or are there seedbeds to be laid out?
If yes then, “Mraaow!”, much dusty rolling necessary,
And so many compulsory tanglegames with your gardener’s line!
Sudden snap decisions cut in too:
If the ‘phone rings while you are bringing in the washing,
Unexpectedly Voilà – a lovely springy basket full
Of fresh sweet-smelling laundry
Into which Muddypaws must leap for a brief sleep –
Until chased out and stembreakingly away into the tulips,
No chance this time of a saucer of milk when you have a tea break.
Summarising: every time any single microfactor alters,
Puss has to recalculate, reappraise, and decide:
Is there somewhere better they could be,
Suddenly something better for them to do?
So now I hope you appreciate that Cat Punctuality
Is far too complicated for any human to ever understand.
For we can never hope to get our heads
Around even basic kitten-level Cat Mathematics,
Never mind hyperdimensional Cat Calculus…
Despite the latter being meat and drink, literally, to any ordinary mog!
© Christopher Jessop 2020
